I'm not the type of person to have these thoughts...

November of 2012
The first time I thought about suicide. I was so depressed, and I couldn't figure out why I was being put through such a test. The last several months had been my version of hell. During this time, I was on medication for sleeping issues I had. The doctor gave me meds for anxiety, depression, and sleep. I wasn't sleeping because of stress, maybe. 

The sleeping pills I had been taking sat on my table for days. Then, the thought crossed my mind one day as a 'solution.' I would take the whole bottle, lay down to sleep and never wake up. I thought, "No, I can't do that can I. Yes, Yes, I can. It is easy and clean." I do not remember much as the next few days were a blur. What I do remember is the day I was going to end my life. My plan was to take the pills soon after my dad left for work. He leaves at about 5 AM, so I could get up write a letter, take the pills, and I'd be gone before Daddy got back from work at 5 PM. 

Gone before daddy got back...meaning Daddy would find me. Daddy would certainly come in looking for me. The thought of Daddy finding me left me sad for him. He would have to live with finding me dead in his home. 
For several days, I thought about suicide. My plan was perfect, except I couldn't imagine my dad finding me and what it would do to him. 

I don't remember exactly when I decided not to go through with the suicide, but I do remember the pain didn't go away immediately and I was okay with that. I knew healing had to take place; however, I did not know what that looked like. 

Healing did happen, but not overnight. 

Disclosure: Since this incident, I did seek help and am no longer suicidal. I'm sharing this information in hopes to help someone else.